You might be here because your child said something that stopped you in your tracks maybe it was, “I want to live with you.” Or maybe you’re simply wondering how much your child’s opinion really matters when it comes to custody arrangements.

It’s a tricky question, and one that comes up a lot during and after separation.

In Australia, there’s no magic age where a child gets to decide who they live with. But that doesn’t mean their voice doesn’t count. The law takes their wishes seriously, especially as they get older, but always through the lens of what’s best for them.

So, what does that actually look like in real life? How do courts figure out what’s in a child’s best interests? And where does child support fit into all this?

This post walks you through everything clearly, calmly, and without the legal jargon. Whether you’re just starting this process or trying to make sense of what’s already happening, you’ll find answers here.

What You Need to Know

Going through separation or divorce is never easy, especially when kids are involved. One of the first things many parents ask is, “At what age can a child decide who to live with?” It’s a fair question and one that doesn’t have a black-and-white answer.

In Australia, the idea that a child can just choose where to live once they turn 12 or 14 is actually a common misconception. There’s no fixed age where that happens. Instead, the courts focus on what’s in your child’s best interests, and that can look different for every family.

Getting legal advice early on helps you understand how the system works and what your options are. This isn’t just about “winning” or “losing”; it’s about finding an arrangement that genuinely supports your child’s well-being.

Understanding Parenting Orders and Parental Responsibility

It’s easy to get confused by the terms custody, residency, and parental responsibility, especially when you’re trying to make big decisions that affect your child’s future.

In simple terms, “parental responsibility” is about who makes decisions for the child, things like schooling, medical care, or where they live. “Residency” refers to where the child physically lives. Courts in Australia don’t use the word “custody” much anymore, but most people still say it when talking about custody arrangements.

Under the Family Law Act 1975, courts look at each situation individually. Some parents work things out with a parenting plan, others need court orders when agreement isn’t possible.

For example, if one parent believes the child isn’t safe in the other parent’s care, they might involve a lawyer or even consider using a private investigator in Sydney to collect evidence that supports their concerns, always within the legal and ethical boundaries.

No two families are the same, and these legal tools are here to help you protect your child and make decisions with their future in mind.

Age Matters – When Can a Child Choose Where to Live?

It’s one of the first questions many parents ask especially when their child starts voicing a clear preference. And while age is definitely part of the story, it’s not the whole answer. Courts look at how mature the child is, how they’re coping emotionally, and whether what they want really lines up with what’s best for them.

Children Under 12

At this age, most kids just aren’t equipped to make a big decision like where they should live full-time. Sure, they might say they want to live with Mum because she has a dog or with Dad because he has a PlayStation, but courts know kids don’t always see the full picture.

That said, their feelings aren’t ignored. If a child seems genuinely upset about something, the court will want to know more, especially if it points to bigger concerns at home.

Children Aged 12 to 14

This is the age where a child’s opinion starts to carry more weight, not just because they’re older, but because they’re usually better at explaining why they feel the way they do.

Say your 13-year-old wants to live with you because it means less travel to school, and they feel more settled in your home the court might take that seriously, especially if it lines up with everything else going on in their life.

Children Aged 14 to 16

Now we’re into the teen years, where kids are more independent and often know what they want and why. Courts generally don’t like to force a 15-year-old into living somewhere they don’t want to be, unless there’s a really strong reason to do so.

In practice, the court often supports what the teen wants at this stage as long as it makes sense and isn’t being influenced by outside pressure.

Children Aged 16 and Over

By 16, most kids are living their lives with a lot more freedom. Even though there’s still no legal age where they can just decide, the reality is that enforcing a court order with a 16- or 17-year-old isn’t easy.

If a teenager refuses to go to one parent’s home, it’s tough to force them, so the court usually focuses more on making things safe and workable, rather than trying to control every detail.

Factors Courts Consider When a Child Expresses a Preference

A child saying, “I want to live with Mum” or “I want to stay with Dad” matters, but it’s not the only thing courts think about. They want to understand why the child feels that way, and whether it’s the right move for them overall.

Age and Maturity

A child’s age is a clue, but what really matters is how mature they are. Can they explain their feelings clearly? Do they seem to understand what’s going on? A younger child who’s thoughtful and clear can sometimes be taken more seriously than an older teen who seems confused or unsure.

Emotional and Psychological Well-being

Is the child happy, settled, and emotionally secure? If they’re anxious, withdrawn, or acting out, that’s something the court will want to understand, especially if it’s tied to where they’re living or how the family dynamic is playing out.

Safety and Risk of Harm

Safety is non-negotiable. If there’s any chance a child could be at risk emotionally, physically, or otherwise the court will put their safety above everything else, including what the child says they want.

Parental Influence and Manipulation

Sometimes, sadly, children feel pressured to take sides. If a child’s views sound rehearsed, or if they suddenly change their mind after spending time with one parent, the court will take a closer look.

They want to be sure the child’s voice is their own, not something they’ve been coached to say.

How Children’s Wishes Are Expressed in Court

Children don’t usually walk into a courtroom and tell a judge where they want to live, and honestly, most families are relieved to hear that. There are better, more child-friendly ways their voice gets heard.

Often, a family report is part of the process. A trained psychologist or social worker will meet with both parents, observe how the child interacts with them, and talk to the child in a way that’s age-appropriate. They’re not asking kids to choose sides they’re trying to understand what life looks like from the child’s point of view.

In more complex situations, the court may appoint an Independent Children’s Lawyer (ICL). This person doesn’t represent the child like a regular lawyer instead, they act in the child’s best interests. They’ll gather information, talk to people involved, and help the court understand what might really be going on beneath the surface.

All of this helps the court make informed decisions without putting the child under pressure to speak directly in court, which rarely happens. The goal is always the same: to keep kids out of the middle while still making sure their views are part of the conversation.

Can a Child Refuse to See One Parent?

It’s a tough situation. Maybe your child is saying they don’t want to visit their other parent anymore. Maybe they cry before the changeover or say things that leave you confused or worried.

If there’s a parenting order in place, it’s still legally binding even if your child says no. But courts do understand that it’s not always black and white. The first step is usually to figure out why the child is refusing.

Sometimes it’s emotional maybe they’re feeling hurt or misunderstood. Sometimes there’s something more serious going on. That’s where things like counselling, mediation, or family dispute resolution come in. These services help unpack what’s happening and look for a way forward that keeps the child’s wellbeing front and centre.

If things aren’t improving or if you’re concerned about safety, legal advice is essential. You might need to apply to change the orders but courts will want to see that you’ve tried to resolve things before going back.

Child Support and Custody—Are They Connected?

This is a big area of confusion for a lot of parents. People often think that if someone stops paying child support, they lose the right to see the child or that if the child lives with one parent full-time, that parent automatically gets more money.

But in Australia, custody arrangements and child support are treated separately. Parenting orders are about what’s best for the child’s living situation. Child support is based on a formula things like each parent’s income, how many nights the child stays with each parent, and whether there are other kids involved.

Let’s say one parent suddenly starts paying less child support; that doesn’t mean the other parent can withhold visits. And if a child chooses to live with one parent more, the child support amount might change, but only after going through the proper process.

Understanding the difference can save a lot of stress. If you’re unsure where you stand, getting legal advice can help you feel clearer and more confident about what your next step should be.

When to Hire a Private Investigator in Sydney for Custody Cases

Most parents don’t picture themselves needing a private investigator, but in some custody cases, they can play an important role. It’s not about spying or catching someone out just for the sake of it. It’s about protecting your child when you believe something isn’t right but don’t have the evidence to prove it.

Say you suspect your ex is leaving the kids home alone, or not following court orders, but it’s your word against theirs. A licensed private investigator can gather information like videos, photos, or timelines that might help support your case in court.

But there are rules. Not all evidence is admissible, and crossing legal or ethical lines could actually harm your case. That’s why it’s important to work with professionals who understand family law boundaries. If you’re unsure whether hiring a private investigator is the right move, speak to your lawyer first. It should be about helping the court see the full picture, not adding fuel to the fire.

Conclusion: Putting the Child’s Best Interests First

Every family is different, but one thing stays the same: the court’s job is to focus on what’s best for your child, not what’s easiest for the adults. That can be difficult to accept, especially when your child starts saying where they want to live, and you’re not sure what to do next.

There’s no magic age where a child suddenly gets to choose, but their voice does matter, and the older and more mature they are, the more seriously it’s taken.

If you’re facing tough decisions or feeling unsure, you’re not alone. Speaking to a family lawyer, a counselor, or someone who understands the system can really help. You don’t have to figure it out all at once, but taking small, informed steps now can make a big difference in the long run for both you and your child.