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Most people who contact us about a possible affair do not have evidence. What they have is a sense that something at home has changed, and they cannot say exactly what.
That instinct deserves attention, but it is not proof. In our years of infidelity work we have seen suspicions confirmed, and we have seen just as many turn out to have a perfectly ordinary explanation. What matters is knowing which signs carry weight, and how to respond to them sensibly.
These are the seven we come across most often.
1. Their phone is suddenly off limits
The phone that once lived on the kitchen bench now travels with them to every room, the bathroom included. It sits face down, the passcode is new and the notifications have been turned off. Any one of those is nothing much. When several appear together, around the same time, make a note of it.
2. A new routine that does not quite add up
The gym goes from once a week to five nights. Friday work drinks become a fixture. A new hobby takes them out of the house for hours. People change their habits for good reasons all the time, so the thing to watch for is a routine that comes with thin details, or a story that shifts each time you hear it.
3. Money you cannot account for
Cash withdrawals with no obvious purpose, a bank account or card you did not know about, or restaurant and hotel charges in suburbs they have no reason to visit. In many of our cases, the money trail is the first solid clue.
4. They treat you differently
Some partners go distant. Others become unusually attentive, which is often guilt at work. Starting arguments over small things can also be a way of creating distance, or a convenient reason to walk out the door for the evening.
5. A sudden focus on how they look
New clothes, a different fragrance, a fresh interest in fitness. This is very often innocent. It only starts to mean something when it turns up alongside other signs on this list.
6. Simple questions get a defensive answer
“Where were you?” used to get a one line reply. Now it gets irritation, a long explanation, or a question fired back at you. Over-explaining is one of the tells our clients mention most.
7. The people around you have noticed
If friends or family are dropping hints or seem awkward around you, they may know something. Tread carefully though, because a rumour is not a fact.
What to do before you say anything
This is the point where most people go wrong. They confront their partner as soon as they have a handful of clues. The usual result is a denial, an argument, and a partner who becomes far more careful from then on. After that, the truth is much harder to get to.
A better approach looks like this:
- Keep a simple diary. Record dates, times and what you noticed. Within a few weeks a pattern often appears, such as the same night each week or the same excuse.
- Stay out of their devices. Going through someone’s phone, or installing a tracking or spy app on a device you do not own, can be against the law in Australia. It can also count against you if things end up in a family law matter.
- Look after yourself. Living with suspicion is draining. Talk to someone you trust.
- Get professional help to find out for certain. A licensed private investigator can carry out discreet surveillance in public places, record times and locations, and hand you a clear written report with photographs.
The goal is facts, not drama. Sometimes the facts put your mind at rest. Sometimes they confirm what you feared. Either way, the guessing stops.
The bottom line
Warning signs are only signs. They tell you something may be wrong, not what it is. Before you make a major decision about your relationship, get the facts first.
If this sounds like your situation and you would like to talk through your options, find out more about our surveillance service or get in touch with the SpouseBusters team for a confidential chat.
Written by Shane Johnson, General Manager at Spouse Busters Australia. Licensed under GORA Investigations Pty Ltd, NSW Master Licence 412080174.
